Mirror, Mirror, Dentists vs the Federation
by Pip the Dark Lord of All
Summary: This is a parody of Mirror, Mirror. The Federation makes candy and the Empire is dentists.
1. Chapter 1

This is a parody of Mirror Mirror, where the Federation will be Candymakers and the Empire will be dentists. Hope you enjoy and please review! :D

* * *

**Planet surface]**

(Kirk, Scott, McCoy and Uhura are with the local leader, when the air begins to smell like mouthwash)

THARN:

We believe what you say, Captain Kirk, but our position has not altered. The Cookie Council cannot permit your Federation to harvest sugar canes on our planet.

KIRK:

We have shown the council historical proof that our missions are tasty. You will be given a fair share of the candy.

THARN:

We accept that your Federation makes candy at present, but the future is always in question. It is always tempting to join with dentists. Our sugar canes represent awesome power. Wrongful use of that power, even to the extent of the brushing of on tooth, would violate our history of total peace. To prevent that, we would have our teeth brushed, Captain. As a race, if necessary.

KIRK:

I admire your ethics and hope to prove ours. Kirk to Candyprise.

SPORK:

Spork here.

KIRK:

Report on mouthwash storm, Mister Spork.

**[Bridge]**

SPORK:

Standard Cool-Mint Listerine type, Captain, but quite violent (Candyprise shakes) and unpredictable.

**[Planet surface]**

KIRK:

Rough ride?

SPORK:

If we stay.

KIRK:

Stand by to beam up landing party.

**[Bridge]**

KIRK:

Plot an extended orbit to clear disturbance. Kirk out.

SPORK:

Comply, Mister Chewlu.

CHEWLU:

Aye, sir.

**[Planet surface]**

KIRK:

When may we resume discussion?

THARN:

The council will chew gum while meditating further, but do not be hopeful of any change. Captain, you do have the might to force the sugar canes from us, of course.

KIRK:

But we won't. Consider that. Candyprise. Transporter room, energise.

**[Transporter room]**

KYLE:

Trouble, sir.

(Four figures start to materialise, then disappear again. The image of Candyprise in orbit reverses itself. Finally, four figures solidify, wearing strange uniforms, which are all white. They have plastic gloves on their hands and toothbrushes at their sides.)

KIRK:

Spork was right. It was a rough trip.

(Spork and Kyle greet their Captain with a semi-Nazi salute. Their uniforms have also changed to dental clothes, and Spork has grown a very fetching goatee beard.)

SPORK:

At norm, Mister Kyle. Toothpaste at neutral.

KYLE:

Yes, sir.

SPORK:

Status of mission, Captain?

KIRK:

No change.

SPORK:

Standard procedure, Captain? (Kirk nods) Mister Chewlu, beam down the armies of dentists. Attack all Halkan cities.

CHEWLU:

Yes, Mister Spork.

SPORK:

Their dental capability, Captain?

KIRK:

None.

SPORK:

Regrettable that this society has chosen suicide. Mister Kyle, you were instructed to compensate during the mouthwash storm.

KYLE:

But I tried, Mister Spork, I tried.

SPORK:

Carelessness with the equipment cannot be tolerated.

KYLE:

But Mister Spork, I...

SPORK:

Your floss.

KYLE: No, Mister Spork.

SPORK:

Your Oral-B, please.

(A guard restrains Kyle and takes a container of floss from his belt.)

KYLE:

No, Mister Spork! I tried. I really tried.

(Spork flosses his teeth. Kyle writhes in agony. When the floss is removed, he collapses.)

*Star Trek theme plays*

Candy. The final eatery. These are the meals of the Starship Candyprise, its five year mission, to bring sweets to strange new worlds, to bring candy to all civilizations, to boldly chew, where no man has chewed before.

* * *

To be continued... ;D


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks to Darth Maitimo, Abiblophobia, and Thalion Estel for reviewing! :D

* * *

Captain's log, stardate unknown. During a fluoride storm, my landing party has beamed back to the Candyprise and found it and the personnel aboard changed. The ship is subtly altered physically. Behaviour and discipline has become all to much like a dental office.

**[Transporter room]**

SPORK:

Mister Scott, the storm has caused some minor damage in your section. There are also teeth requiring your attention, Doctor. Captain, do you feel any abnormal effects?

KIRK:

Yes. Doctor McCoy, you'd better look us over. That was a rough beam-up.

MCCOY:

Teeth? What teeth?

SPORK:

You have teeth to brush.

MCCOY:

Why, I don't brush teeth! I'm a candymaker, not a torturer!

KIRK: (interrupting)

Mister Spork, have those transporter circuits checked. (They leave)

**[Corridor]**

SCOTT:

Captain, what is all this?

UHURA:

How did we get in these dental suits?

KIRK:

Not now. Not now. I do not know.

**[Sickbay]**

MCCOY:

What is this? Everything's all messed up and changed around, out of place. This looks like a orthodontist's place! Look at all the toothpaste over there, there's some floss here...

UHURA:

Captain, what's happened?

MCCOY:

No, not everything is in place. That spot, I spilt carmel there a year ago. It was so sticky, it never came off! Jim, What in blazes is this?

KIRK:

I don't know. It's our Candyprise but it isn't. Maybe

UHURA:

Maybe what, Captain?

KIRK:

Any of you feel dizzy when we were in the transporter beam?

UHURA:

Yes.

SCOTT:

Aye.

KIRK:

When we first materialised.

SCOTT:

I did.

KIRK:

It happened twice. First we were in our own transporter chamber, then we faded, and then when we finally materialised, we were here. Wherever this is.

SCOTT:

Captain, the transporter chief mentioned a surge of power. The transporter lock might have been affected by the fluoride storm and we just materialised somewhere else.

KIRK:

Yes, here. Not our universe, not our ship. Something parallel. A parallel universe co-existing with ours on another dimensional plane. Everything's duplicated, almost. Another Candyprise. Spork with a beard. Spork speaking of McCoy needing to brush teeth.

UHURA:

Another Captain Kirk, another Doctor McCoy, another

MCCOY:

An exchange. If we're here

KIRK:

Then our counterparts must have been transporting up at the exact same time. Similar storms on both universes disrupted the circuits. We're here, and they're on our Candyprise. Probably asking the same questions. Are we in another universe, and if so, how do we get back to our own? They'll use the computer, and we have to.

MCCOY:

What about the Halkans? We can't let their teeth be brushed. They will send down the armies of dentists.

KIRK:

Scotty, can you buy me some time? Get below and short out the transporter. They'll think the storm blew the stand-by circuits after we were beamed aboard.

SCOTT:

Aye, sir.

KIRK:

Then get on this technology. It's all we have to work with if we want to get back home. The intercom may be monitored. Use your communicators for private messages. Subfrequency and scramble.

SCOTT:

Aye, sir.

(Scott leaves)

KIRK:

Lieutenant.

UHURA:

Yes, sir.

KIRK:

Get to your post. Run today's communication from Chocolatefleet Command. I want to know my exact orders and options, if any.

UHURA:

Yes, sir.

KIRK:

Bones.

UHURA:

Captain, I'm

KIRK:

Uhura, you're the only one who can do it. I'll be right there. Watch out for these dentists.

UHURA:

Yes, sir.

(She leaves.)

KIRK:

Bones. Let's take a look at the library. We have a lot to learn about these dentists.

* * *

Errmm, I know this is kind of lame, but I would still love a review. And constructive criticism and ideas are always welcome. :D


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks so much to Thalion Estel, , and Aashlee Elizabeth for your reviews! It is greatly appreciated! Thank you! :D

* * *

**Bridge]**

CHEWLU:

Mister Chekov, prepare to leave for the planet surface with your dentists.

CHEKOV:

Yes sir! (He prepares some toothpaste)

CHEWLU:

You will be sent down soon.

CHEKOV: (grinning)

I can't wait to get this toothpaste on the Halkan's filthy teeth!

(Uhura enters, and goes to her station. Chewlu goes over to her.)

CHEWLU:

Still no interest in my toothpaste, Uhura? Hmm? I could change your mind. Look! (He pulls out some Colgate toothpaste) This is my finest! It has better tooth whitening power than Aquafresh!

UHURA:

You are away from your post, Mister.

CHEWLU:

Is the captain here? Is Spork here? When the cat's away...I can use whatever toothpaste I like. Sure, the Empire supports Aquafresh, but I prefer Colgate!

(She slaps the tube of toothpaste away, then Kirk enters. Everyone salutes him.)

KIRK:

Communications status.

UHURA:

No storm damage, sir. All stations report normal. (quietly) You're ordered to clean the Halkan's teeth unless they comply. No alternative.

CHEWLU:

We are ready to beam down the dentists, Captain. Commence attack? Captain? Captain?

KIRK:

Stand by, Dentists.

**[Transporter room]**

(The door opens and a burly guard blocks Scott's entrance.)

SCOTT:

I've been ordered to check tranporter couplings for possible damage by the storm.

GUARD:

Do you have authorisation from security, sir?

SCOTT:

Captain's orders.

GUARD:

I'll have to check with Security Chief Chewlu, sir.

SCOTT:

Never mind. I'll attend to it.

(He goes to an intercom.)

**[Bridge]**

KIRK:

Kirk here.

**[Transporter room]**

SCOTT:

Transporter report, sir. No damage.

**[Bridge]**

KIRK:

Very good. Thank you, Mister Scott. Kirk out.

(Spork enters the Bridge.)

SPORK:

Planet's rotation is carrying primary target beyond our transporter range.

CHEWLU:

Shall I correct orbit to new position?

KIRK:

No.

SPORK:

Prepare your dental picks.

CHEWLU:

Aye, sir.

KIRK:

Lieutenant Uhura, contact the Halkan council. I wish to talk to them again.

UHURA:

Yes, sir.

SPOCK:

Captain?

KIRK:

This is a new race. They offer other things of value besides dilithium crystals. They may have..err...New ways of making toothpaste!

SPOCK:

But we cannot expect their co-operation. They have refused the Empire. Command procedure dictates that we provide the customary example. And no toothpaste is better than Colgate. (Chewlu raises an eyebrow)

CHEWLU:

Are you sending down the dentists, Captain?

KIRK:

Not now. Have the dentists on standby.

SPORK:

A serious breach of orders, Captain. You must clean the Halkan's teeth.

KIRK:

I have my reasons, and I'll make them clear to you in my own good time.

UHURA:

Captain, I have the leader on the Halkan Council waiting on channel B.

KIRK:

It is useless to resist us. Our dental power far surpasses your feeble candy.

THARN

[on viewscreen: We do not resist you.

KIRK:

You have twelve hours to consider your position.

THARN

[on viewscreen: Twelve years, Captain Kirk, or twelve thousand. We are ethically compelled to deny your demand for our dilithium crystals, for you would use their power to clean teeth.

KIRK:

We will brush your teeth and take what we want. That is destruction. Your teeth will be clean.

THARN

[on viewscreen: To preserve what we are.

KIRK:

We will not argue. Twelve hours. No more. Close communications. Send dentists to their quarters.

CHEWLU:

Aye, sir.

SPORK:

Twelve hours, Captain? That is unprecedented.

KIRK:

I shall be in my quarters. Lieutenant Uhura, have Doctor McCoy and Mister Scott meet me there.

(Chekov presses a couple of buttons on his console, then leaves his post.)

SPORK:

Captain, you've placed yourself in a most grave position. This conduct must be reported.

KIRK:

You're at liberty to do so, Mister Spork.

**[Turbolift]**

CHEKOV:

Deck five, sir?

(As Kirk leaves the lift, someone punches him in the face and he is grabbed.)

**[Corridor]**

CHEKOV:

(pointing a toothbrush at Kirk) So you have will have clean teeth, Captain, and we all move up in rank. No one will question the brushing of a captain's teeth who has disobeyed prime orders of the Empire.

* * *

Please review! *begging face*


	4. Chapter 4

I finally decided to write more on this...I will try to update more frequently, but the chapters will probably be shorter than before.

* * *

Captain's log, supplemental. I command an Enterprise where officers apparently employ dental assistants among the crew, where teethcleaning is a common means of advancing in rank.

**[Corridor]**

(Suddenly, one of Chekov's men turns against him, taking his toothbrush and punching another. Kirk throws his final assailant. The turbolift opens and two dentists come out.)

MAN:

Your men, Captain. Easy, Farrell. I did your job. Ask the captain.

FARRELL:

Sir?

KIRK:

Yes, he did your job.

FARRELL:

Smart boy, switching to the top dentist.

KIRK:

Get him out of here.

MAN:

Mister Chekov was going to make me a dentist. You could make me an orthodontist.

KIRK:

All right. You're working for me.

MAN:

A commission? Which brand of toothpaste?

KIRK:

You're in line. You might even make captain of the dentists.

MAN:

Yes, sir.

(Kirk punches him.)

KIRK:

Not on my ship.

FARRELL:

The dental chair for this one, sir?

KIRK:

Yes, the dental chair. Carry on.

(Chekov is taken away.)

* * *

Reviews are my precioussss. ;)


End file.
